What’s the worst injury ever? A broken heart.
Maybe that sounds cheesy or overdramatic but until you have experienced losing a member of your immediate family… your hero… one of your best friends… you clearly have not experienced the pain that I am in now. It’s extremely difficult both mentally and physically. Some mornings it’s tough to get out of bed… let alone get out of bed and run 20 miles. Your heart physically aches, you spend countless hours sobbing, you find yourself consumed only of thoughts of the person you lost. Grief is absolutely exhausting… I’ve lost grandparents and other important people in my life but losing my dad has been indescribable pain that overtakes my entire body… the whole thing coming as a shock and my dad being so young also makes it worse I think. My world has been turned completely upside down and some days I just can’t muster the strength to work out, eat a balanced meal, call a friend, cook, etc.
I try to force myself to be strong and find strength within to look out for myself and my family while trying to return to my “normal” life. Let’s be honest… this isn’t normal behavior for me. I can train all I want but just feeling crappy inside and unmotivated just makes it even harder. Cooking is a joke… most of the recipes I’ve made in the past 3 months that youve seen on the blog were because of prior commitments. I am not eating my best and not feeling my best.
I think about my dad pretty much every minute of every day… and every time I remember he’s gone I have to keep myself from breaking down. There are so many constant reminders of him everyday. I just wish I could just give him a hug and talk to him for 5 minutes… I would give anything for that.
This weekend I’m doing my 22 miler before I start my taper for my first marathon…. I’m running the Rock N Roll Philly Half as part of the 22 miles… not even looking at time, just trying to get all the miles in. Last weekend I did 20 miles with my marathon buddy Annie and we had a terrific run… I’m hoping the race mentality will keep me strong as I do these 22 miles solo. I’ll share a training update and brief recap of the “race” next week.
12 weeks of training after a month off from my “injury” for my first marathon sounds ambitious. But I’m training smart and not pushing myself and basically just getting the miles in as best as possible… taking walking breaks and not worrying about time. I know my dad would be so proud of me no matter what…. At the very least all the training is a good distraction. My goal for the marathon is to finish… no real time goal and if I end up walking the last 4 miles, oh well. After what I’ve been through it’s hard to take fitness goals too seriously… I know some people are working towards a BQ or finishing their first 5K and that’s awesome… my main priority is my mental and physical health… heartache is a pain like no other.